Why Do People Go Back to Those Who Hurt Them?
Why do some people go back to the ones who hurt them? It can happen in any relationship, but it is most visible in romantic ones. No matter what they do, you go back to them again and again. Even your friends can see it. They look at you and say, “Can’t you see what they are doing to you?” And you deserve better. Deep down, you know it too.
But something about them pulls you back in—like a magnet you can’t resist, like quicksand. You try to get out, but every time you try, you sink deeper. Why?
Because there are emotional hooks—invisible hooks—that keep you attached despite the pain. These hooks live in your nervous system, your memories, and your unmet needs. Usually, there are 4 kinds of hooks that keep people stuck in these cycles.
Hook 1: The Known Devil
There is something called survival memory. It is the memory your nervous system forms from past emotional experiences. Unlike regular memory, it doesn’t store facts; it stores patterns.
Let’s say you grew up in a home where love wasn’t steady. Some days your parent was warm. Other days they were distant, angry, or emotionally checked out. Love never felt simple. It felt like something you had to earn, wait for, or tiptoe around.
Without realizing it, your brain learned: this is love. It connected love with anxiety, silence, and uncertainty.
Now, as an adult, when someone treats you the same way—hot one day and cold the next—ideally your brain should say, “This isn’t safe. Let’s not go back.”
But instead, it says, “This feels familiar. This is love.”
To your brain, the known devil feels safer than the unknown angel. It knows how to survive the pain, the pattern, the push and pull. That’s survival memory. It doesn’t choose what’s healthy; it chooses what’s familiar so it can process emotions the way it always has.
And that’s how the hook forms.
But the truth is: familiarity is not love. Familiarity is a hook.
Hook 2: One More Time Syndrome
Sometimes you’re not going back because you still want them. You’re going back because something inside you feels unfinished.
They left suddenly. No closure. No answers. No honesty. Just confusion, silence, and pain. So your brain thinks, “Maybe if I go back one more time, they’ll explain. This time it will make sense. This time I’ll finally feel enough.”
Your brain is trying to complete the story. In psychology, this is called repetition compulsion—when you’ve been hurt in the past, your brain keeps replaying the story, hoping for a different ending.
This hook is strong because the mind hates open wounds. It wants something to explain the hurt. You may think you are going back for love, but actually, you are going back for answers.
But some people will never give you those answers. They don’t take responsibility. They don’t reflect. They don’t own the hurt they caused. The longer you wait for them to give you answers and peace, the longer you stay stuck in confusion.
If you are in this hook, you are reopening the same wound again and again, hoping it will hurt less this time. Healing begins when you stop asking them to close the story and give yourself your own closure.
Hook 3: The Sweet Spot Trap
Let’s be real. They weren’t good to you all the time—but once in a while, they were everything.
They said the right thing. They made you feel seen, special, like you were the only person in the world. In that moment, it felt real, safe, even magical. That’s the sweet spot.
Your brain remembers it. So when things feel cold, confusing, or distant, your mind says, “But what about that day they made me feel loved?”
One kind message. One warm moment. One “I miss you” text after days of silence—and suddenly you’re pulled right back in.
This isn’t weakness. This is how the brain works when it’s chasing unpredictable rewards. In neuroscience, this is called variable reinforcement. You don’t know when love is coming, but you know it might come someday.
It’s like gambling. You don’t win every time, but when you do, the high is intense. So you keep going back, thinking maybe this time you’ll win. That unpredictability becomes addictive.
You don’t just love them—you crave them. And that craving is the trap. You’re no longer waiting for love; you’re chasing your next high.
Hook 4: The Missing Feeling
This is where almost everyone gets trapped.
More than a fight, a break, or even a breakup, it’s the silence afterward that hurts the most. The waiting. The nothingness. That’s what breaks you.
You feel restless. You can’t eat. You check your phone constantly. You pace around. You feel empty, like there’s a hole where they used to be.
That’s not just sadness—that’s withdrawal.
Your brain was used to emotional highs from them: a message, a hug, their attention, their presence. Even if it came with pain, it still gave your system something to hold on to.
When they disappear, chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin—those that made you feel connected—suddenly crash. Your body reacts similarly to withdrawal from alcohol. You start missing them.
But if you look closer, you’re not missing the person. You’re missing the feeling: the safety, the validation, the hit of connection.
Because your system is in panic, your brain screams, “Bring them back. I can’t feel okay without them. I can’t live without them.” That’s the hook.
This is one of the most dangerous hooks because it doesn’t feel like a choice. It feels like survival. You go back again and again because your nervous system doesn’t know how to live without the feeling they gave you.
The longer you stay in this cycle, the harder it becomes to tell the difference between pain and love, and between craving and connection.
Breaking the Cycle
Maybe you saw yourself in one of these hooks—or maybe in more than one. Sometimes people are caught in all four at once. That’s why it feels impossible to walk away and why you keep going back even when it hurts.
If you want to stop, the first step is awareness.
Pause and ask yourself: Which hook is pulling me right now?
That one question can change everything. When you become aware, your brain starts working with you, not against you. Your logical part kicks in. Your eyes open. In that moment, you can stop a massive spiral before it even begins.
And if you’re thinking, “Even with awareness, I still can’t stop,” please know this: it’s not weakness. It’s conditioning. These patterns live deep in your nervous system.
When that’s the case, it’s not about more willpower—it’s about healing the root. And that’s where therapy can be life-changing.