When we hear the word violence, we think of bruises, fights, and blood. But there is another kind of violence that leaves no marks on the outside. The scars, however, go much deeper.
When someone says you’re useless or that nobody will ever love you, from the outside everything looks normal. But on the inside, your breath gets heavy, your chest tightens, and your mind starts breaking. When you hear it again and again, you don’t just get hurt by the words, you start believing them. This is what we call verbal violence, and it can create unhealed wounds and scars in your mental health.
Verbal violence shows up in many ways. Sometimes it’s direct insults like “you’re useless.” Sometimes it’s endless comparisons, like “why can’t you be like them?” And sometimes it’s sarcasm, jokes that feel more like knives. They may not make us bleed, but they cut us deeply. Honestly, we have all been there, right? With a family member or in relationships, we have all had a moment where one harsh line stayed with us for days, even years. Now it’s high time that we heal.
So, how can we do that? Here are 4 steps that can help you deal with the scars of harsh words.
Step 1: Awareness
When someone uses harsh words toward us, the emotional part of the brain tends to observe it as a threat. Once that happens, those harsh words start echoing in your head. But when you become aware, when you tell yourself, “Yes, this is verbal violence,” your logical brain becomes active. As a result, the emotional brain loses its power, and your brain shifts from simply absorbing the hurt to analyzing it.
Step 2: Expression
Even when you are aware, those harsh words and the hurt associated with them still remain inside you. That’s why the second step is expression. You can express it in different ways without hurting yourself or anyone else. You could maintain a journal, write down the words that hurt you, or talk to a trusted friend or therapist. You can even record a private voice note if that feels easier.
When you put your emotions into words, your brain moves the hurtful memory from the emotional side to the logical side. That’s why, after talking it out, you feel lighter. Silent pain multiplies, but when you express your pain, healing begins.
Step 3: Rebuilding Your Inner Voice
If you have heard “you’re useless” many times in your life, expression alone will not help. The brain learns through repetition. If it hears “you’re useless” a hundred times, it begins to believe it.
That’s why you need to rebuild your inner voice. The good news is that the same brain can unlearn too. This is called neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to rewire itself. When your critical mind says, “You’re useless,” respond with, “No, I’m enough.” At first, it may not feel real, but repetition creates new neural pathways. Slowly, the critic becomes quieter, and your new voice grows stronger.
Step 4: Setting Boundaries
This is the step most people ignore. Your nervous system cannot heal if it is constantly under attack. If you feel disrespected by someone or in a certain place, calmly say, “I won’t continue this conversation if it stays disrespectful.” You can also avoid meeting that person or going to that place.
Do not allow anyone to speak to you that way. Draw a boundary politely. When you do this, your brain learns, “I am safe. I don’t have to stay in high-alert mode anymore.” That is how you truly heal from verbal violence.