Information source- Psychiatrist Dr. Tracey marks youtube video
It can feel like you are watching yourself from the outside, hearing words come out of your mouth that you instantly wish you could take back. Maybe you started out talking about something small, but somehow it escalated into both of you saying things that you do not mean. If that sounds familiar, you are not alone. More importantly, it is not a character flaw.
There is real brain science behind why conflict can make even the most levelheaded people lose their cool. The same neural networks that once kept our ancestors alive when danger was real, such as spotting a predator, still run the show when we are emotionally threatened. When those brain structures become activated, they can hijack your ability to think clearly.
This article is about what happens when the connection between you and another person is tested by conflict, and how you can keep your brain in control so that you can protect the relationship as well as your own resilience.
Your Brain on Conflict
When someone criticizes you, dismisses your feelings, or makes you feel misunderstood, your amygdala, which is your brain’s alarm system, reacts in milliseconds. It cannot tell the difference between real physical danger and a social or emotional threat.
This happens through a process called neuroception. Your brain automatically scans for cues of safety or danger in someone’s face, voice, or body language. A harsh tone or a sharp facial expression can set it off even when there is no actual danger.
Once the amygdala fires, it signals your hypothalamus to flood your system with stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol. Your heart rate spikes, your muscles tense, and you become primed to fight, flee, or freeze.
The tricky part is that this chemical surge can partially shut down your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for reasoning, planning, and impulse control. That is why you might suddenly hear yourself saying things like, “You always” or “You never,” even though you know these statements are not accurate.
There are also mirror neurons, specialized brain cells that automatically mimic what you observe in others. If the other person begins to escalate, your mirror neurons tend to match their emotional tone. It is like emotional contagion. Their nervous system ramps up yours, and yours ramps up theirs, creating a feedback loop that becomes difficult to break once it starts.
Catching Early Warning Signs
The best way to interrupt this cycle is to catch it early, before your amygdala fully takes over the conversation. Your body will tell you first. Your jaw tightens, your breathing becomes shallow, and you feel heat in your chest or face. Your shoulders creep up toward your ears because you are tense.
These sensations are not random. They are signs that your nervous system is shifting into defense mode. Recognizing them gives you a chance to step in before your prefrontal cortex goes offline.
The PAUSE Method Explained
Once you notice these early signs, it is time to pause. I have talked about the PAUSE method before, but here is how it works specifically in the middle of a relationship conflict.
P is for Pause and Notice
Example: You are in a disagreement about chores. The other person says, “You never help around here,” and you feel your chest tighten. That is your moment to stop. Not mid-sentence, but internally long enough to take a single slow breath before responding.
A is for Acknowledge What You Are Feeling
Name it to yourself. “I am feeling accused,” or “I am feeling underappreciated.” This is not about admitting fault. It activates your prefrontal cortex and creates space between the trigger and your reaction. You are also not focusing on the other person. Instead of thinking, “This person is always nagging me,” you focus on what you are feeling.
U is for Understand the Deeper Need Beneath the Surface
Often a fight about dishes is not about dishes. It is about feeling valued. A conversation about money might actually be about security. Try to identify what is really at stake for you and, if possible, for them.
One helpful way is to ask yourself, “If I could wave a magic wand and instantly fix what is bothering me, what would that give me emotionally?” Respect, safety, appreciation? The answer can reveal the true issue.
S is for Select a Response that Protects the Relationship.
Ask yourself, “What would my wisest self say here?” That might mean asking a clarifying question instead of launching into a counterattack.
E is for Engage with the Intent to Repair, Not Win
This does not mean agreeing with everything being said. It means that your words, tone, and body language communicate, “I want us to get through this intact.”
Example of Using PAUSE in Real Life
Imagine your partner says, “You are always on your phone when we are together.”
You pause. You notice the instinct to defend yourself, and you take a breath.
You acknowledge, “I am feeling criticized.”
You understand, “This really is not about the phone. He wants my attention.”
You select a response: “I did not realize I was doing that so much. Do you want to set aside some phone free time tonight?”
You engage with a calm tone, open posture, and shift the moment from defensive to collaborative.
Co-regulation: Calming Others by Calming Yourself
Sometimes the other person is already dysregulated and their amygdala has taken over. This is where co-regulation comes in: using your own nervous system to help settle theirs.
Your vagus nerve plays a major role. It carries signals between your body and brain that influence your heart rate, breathing, and emotional state. The calmer your signals are, the more likely theirs will begin to match yours.
Here is how you can do it:
Slow your speech and keep your tone even.
Maintain steady, slower breathing.
Keep your posture open and non-defensive.
You are not just acting calm. You want to be calm. If you cannot reach that state, forcing a calm tone while you are still boiling inside can feel condescending to the other person. In that case, the most effective approach may be, “We are both too wound up to have this conversation right now. Let us take a break and come back to it later.”
Repair Versus Defend in Conflict
When the amygdala is in charge, your brain’s main mission is to defend, prove you are right, point out their mistakes, and protect your ego. Defensive language triggers the threat system even more.
Examples of defensive language:
“That is not what happened,” or “You are overreacting.”
Examples of repair language:
“I can see you are upset, and I want to understand what is behind that.”
If that feels too formal, you could say, “What you heard is not what I meant, but I can see how it landed that way.”
Repair shifts the goal from winning to understanding. It acknowledges the impact even if the intent was different. It signals that the relationship matters more than the scoreboard.
Timing matters. If the other person is still highly activated, they may not be able to receive your repair attempt. In that case, wait until you both have downshifted.
Setting Boundaries Without Escalating
Boundaries help keep conflicts healthy, but how you phrase them determines whether they land or backfire.
A poorly phrased boundary can sound like an attack:
“You need to stop yelling.”
“You are impossible to talk to when you are like this.”
The same limit phrased differently can lower defenses:
“I want to keep talking, but I need the volume to come down so I can stay present.”
“I can hear you better when we both slow down a bit. Can we try that?”
You are still protecting your limits, but you are also sending signals of safety and cooperation.
Why Practice on Small Conflicts Matters
To make this feel natural, you need practice. You would not try a new skill for the first time in a high stakes situation. Conflict resolution is no different.
Start with low-intensity moments, such as mild irritation with a coworker or a small disagreement with a friend.
Each time you notice your physical signs of being triggered and choose a more regulated response, you reinforce a neural pathway.
Over time this becomes your new default, not because you memorized steps, but because your brain has rewired itself for calmer conflict handling.
Conflict as a Path to Stronger Connection
The goal is not to avoid conflict or never feel triggered. Conflict is part of every close relationship. The goal is to keep the connection intact while you work through the disagreement. Handled well, conflict can strengthen a bond. It can clarify boundaries, reveal unspoken needs, and build trust in your ability to navigate tough conversations together.
Key Takeaways for Managing Conflict
Here are your key points for managing conflict in an emotionally regulated way:
Learn your body’s early warning signs.
Use pause to slow your reaction when possible.
Use your calm state to co-regulate the other person.
Shift from defending to repairing.
Set boundaries in ways that protect yourself and reduce the other person’s sense of threat.
For now, think about the last conflict you had. What were your first physical signs? How might things have gone differently if you had paused right then?
Conflict does not have to mean disconnection. With the right tools, it can become an opportunity to strengthen your connection rather than weaken it.